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身边的人常常说我很有耐心，所以我以前一直以为自己跟“愤怒”没什么关系——直到孩子出生以后。如果你看过我在某些最糟糕的时刻对待孩子的样子，你大概会下结论说：“这个人有怒气问题。”而你说得没错。老实说，愤怒的种子其实一直都在我心里，只是孩子的出现，把它更明显地暴露了出来。
我的圣经辅导老师罗伯特·琼斯博士（Dr. Robert Jones）——《连根拔除愤怒》（Uprooting Anger）一书的作者——曾提到一个令人震惊的统计：每一个人当中，就有一个人都在与愤怒挣扎。你没看错，是每一个人，也包括你和我。愤怒是堕落人性的一部分；无论信主与否、男女老少，没有人能完全免疫。
认识愤怒
愤怒，是一个人对“他所认为的邪恶”所产生的、全人的负面道德反应。这个“认定”，有时是对的，有时却是错的。
我们要知道，愤怒有两种表现方式。
一种是显而易见的愤怒。比如摩西因以色列人的悖逆而愤怒地击打磐石两次（民数记 20:2–13）；或者夫妻大吵一架；又或者父母在情绪失控时打了孩子。
另一种是隐藏的愤怒。比如浪子比喻中站在屋外生闷气的大儿子（路加福音 15:25–30）；或是妻子对丈夫冷战；又或者你突然把某个人“拉黑”、断了联系。无论哪一种，这样的愤怒在神眼中都是罪。
那“义怒”呢？确实存在。耶稣因法利赛人心硬而愤怒（马可福音 3:1–5），也因圣殿被变成买卖的地方而愤慨（约翰福音 2:13–17）。摩西、大卫、约拿单、保罗等人，也都曾表现出义怒。
但问题是：义怒和自义的怒气之间，只有一线之隔。
我们的心很会欺骗自己，让我们以为自己是在“为神发怒”，其实却是在维护自己的面子、权利和舒适。现实是：虽然义怒存在，但大多数人的怒气，都是出于罪。
连根拔除愤怒
若不明白愤怒的根源，我们就无法真正对付它。圣经给了我们非常清楚的诊断：
“你们中间的争执和打斗是从哪里来的呢？不是从你们肢体中好斗的私欲来的吗？ 你们放纵贪欲，如果得不到，就杀人；你们嫉妒，如果一无所得，就打斗争执。”
——雅各书 4:1–2
雅各告诉我们，愤怒的根源是私欲——也就是不受约束的渴望。当我们想要某样本来不错的东西，却想得太多、太强、太自我中心，它就变成了偶像。为了得到它，我们甚至愿意犯罪。
在另一本书《追求和平》里，琼斯博士用一个“宝座阶梯图”来说明这一点：
琼斯博士解释道：
“宝座下的那些字母，代表着正当却尚未满足、并且妥善地降服在基督主权之下的渴望。这是一幅健康之心在基督里得安息的图画……然而，问题出现于这些渴望不再继续降服，反而变得像打了类固醇一般。它们长出双腿，爬上阶梯，与基督争夺灵魂实际的主权。不再只是渴望，这些被抬高的要求会产生愤怒、忧虑、抑郁，以及各种紊乱的行为。敬虔的改变需要将这些“篡位的欲望”从宝座上拉下，再次把它们降服在基督至高、智慧、慈爱的主权之下。“
当我们认出愤怒背后的罪性渴望时，就要悔改，并重新定睛在神和祂在基督里的恩典、供应与应许上。接着，我们要用基督的样式来取代愤怒的反应——
不再用言语攻击人，而是谦卑聆听；
不再用冷战惩罚人，而是主动追求和好；
不再怀恨在心，而是选择饶恕。
这是讨神喜悦、荣耀神所必须走的路。
一个真实的例子
前不久，我们全家出去玩了一整天。到了我两岁女儿午睡的时间，我主动提出抱着她哄睡，让妻子带儿子去别的地方。结果女儿睡得很不安稳，我只好用一个很别扭的姿势抱着她走来走去，整整一个半小时。我的身体又累又痛，心里也开始翻腾——觉得全世界都忘了我，在自怜中越想越委屈。
后来见到妻子时，我说了很多自己现在都不想再听到的话，把女儿交给她后，气冲冲地走开，一个人去“冷静”。
坐在长椅上，我开始省察自己的心。我发现，愤怒的根源是一种自以为该被服侍、被体谅的心态。我渴望被看见、被肯定，也过分在意自己的舒适和感受。
那一刻，我想起了主耶稣——宇宙的主宰，却甘愿虚己，成为人，甚至为我死在十字架上（腓立比书 2:5–8）。想到这里，我在神面前悔改了。随后，我回到妻子身边，向她承认错误，也请求她的原谅。
当那股怒气被放下时，我心里前所未有地轻松。
那种自由，真的很美好。
你，也愿意试试吗？
Understanding & Uprooting Anger
Having been described as “patient” by those around me, I used to think that I had no problems with anger – that is, until my children came along. If you saw me in one of my worse moments with them, you’d probably conclude, “This guy has some anger issues.” And you’d be right. If I’m honest, the seeds of anger have always been there in my heart, and all my children did was to bring them more obviously to the foreground.
My Biblical Counselling professor Dr. Robert Jones, who authored the excellent book Uprooting Anger, reported the shocking statistic that one out of every one person struggles with anger. You read that right – you’re included! Anger is part of the fallen human fabric; nobody – be it believer or nonbeliever, male or female, old or young – is immune.
Understanding Anger
Anger is a whole-person negative response of moral judgment against perceived evil. That perception might be accurate or inaccurate.
It’s important to note that anger manifests in two ways. There is revealed anger, such as when Moses struck the rock twice in frustration at Israel’s rebellion (Num 20:2-13), or when a couple break out in a shouting war, or when a parent hits a child at the height of emotions. But there is also concealed anger, such as when the older son sulks silently outside the house in the Parable of the Lost Son (Luke 15:25-30), or when a wife gives her husband the cold shoulder treatment, or when you cut someone off without warning. Either way, such anger is sinful.
But what about “righteous anger”? Yes, Jesus’ anger at the Pharisees’ stubbornness of heart was righteous (Mark 3:1:5). So was His indignation that the Temple has been turned into a market (John 2:13-17). Moses, David, Jonathan, Paul, and others have exhibited righteous anger too. But there is a thin line between righteous anger, and self-righteous anger. Your heart will try to deceive you into thinking that your anger is righteous, when in all honesty it is focused on your kingdom, rights, and concerns, rather than God’s. The reality is that while righteous anger exists, most human anger is sinful.
Uprooting Anger
We cannot uproot anger from our hearts until we understand its cause. Here is the biblical diagnosis:
1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. (James 4:1-2a)
James points out that anger is caused by sinful desires (“passions”, “desire”, “covet”). That is, when we desire a sinful object, or when we desire a good object too much, inordinately, or for selfish reasons, it becomes an idol that we will sin to serve. The diagram below (called the “Throne-Staircase Diagram”, taken from another book by Dr. Jones titled Pursuing Peace: A Chrisitan Guide to Handling Our Conflicts) illustrates this.
Dr. Jones explains:
“The letters beneath the throne represent legitimate but unmet desires properly submitted under the lordship of the enthroned Christ. This is a picture of a healthy heart at rest in Christ… Problems arise, however, when desires don’t remain submitted but become steroidal. They sprout legs, ascend the staircase, and compete with Christ for the functional lordship of a soul. No longer mere desires, these newly elevated demands produce anger, worry, depression, and all sorts of disordered behaviors. Godly change requires dethroning those demands and resubmitting them under Christ’s sovereign, wise, and loving lordship.”
When we recognise the sinful desire that is the source of our anger, we must repent of it and refocus on God and His grace, provisions, and promises in Christ. Finally, we must replace sinful anger with Christlike attitudes and actions. Instead of lashing out with our texts or tongue, we listen humbly; instead of punishing the other person with our silence, we engage in peace-making and problem-solving; instead of nursing resentment, we choose to forgive. This is necessary to please and honour God.
A Case in Point
Recently, my family went out on a full-day outing. When it came time for our 2 year-old daughter to take her nap, I volunteered to carry her to sleep while my wife took our son to another part of the mall. Unfortunately, the girl napped fitfully and I had to walk while carrying her in an awkward position so she could continue her nap. For about an hour and a half, I ached bodily and fumed inwardly, thinking that the whole world had forgotten about me and feeling sorry for myself. When I met up with my wife again, I said things that I never want anybody else to hear, left our daughter with her, and stormed off to take a solitary timeout.
As I sat alone on a bench, I took stock of my heart and realised that at the root of my anger lay a self-entitled desire to be served and appreciated by others. I wanted so badly to be recognised for making a sacrifice, and I inordinately wanted others to consider my comfort and preferences. I remembered how the Lord of the universe had emptied Himself to become a man, and died on the cross, to serve me (Philippians 2:5-8)! By God’s grace, I repented of my sinful desires, returned to my wife, then confessed and apologized to her.
Being rid of that anger was the best feeling in the world. Won’t you try it too?