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Baptism Candidates’ Testimonies 受洗者的见证

Zoe Low’s Testimony 刘子欣的见证

I grew up in a Christian family and was a student in a Christian school environment for 10 years. I remembered I first said the sinner’s prayer when I was primary 5, out of fear that I would go to hell if I were to die. Although I knew about God and often heard Bible stories and verses, He was never a priority back then.

In sec 3 and 4, I had problems with my conduct in school and at home, until one day my teacher called me out for being a “bad Christian testimony”. Her words hurt deeply and I hid my pain. I felt like I lived a double-life and believed this to be true for years. My insecurities grew and I was constantly feeling out of place. I could not feel that I belonged in school, in my family or in church.

I kept telling myself, “no one truly understands me or cares about me”. My heart was wounded, longing to feel accepted, belonged, and loved for who I was regardless of my flaws. I struggled with low self-esteem, pride, envy and was prone to lying to paint a greater picture of myself than what was real. At the core, I felt ashamed of who I was, I felt the need to hide my true self. To gain control over my life, I chased accomplishments, over-achieved and pursued relationships – all in vain as nothing satisfied me. I still felt empty.

Even though I was present at fellowship in school and church, my heart was absent and cold. Behind a smiling face, God knows I never felt truly loved by Him. I believed that I was not pleasing to God, that everything about me is never good enough. “He doesn’t love me like how he loves my friends at school, which is why He doesn’t bless me with good grades or a close-knitted family” such thoughts continued to brew and I grew jealous of those around me. God seemed to actually care about them and I resented Him for that. For a long time, my heart was heavy and carried a lot of bitterness and hate.

I was always kinda flowing through my double-life “outside happy with a bright smile ; inside sad and broken”. Most times I felt incredibly alone, didn’t trust anyone, buried myself in a dark hole, super hopeless and lost. Yet, even when I hid away from God, God still found me.

Towards the end of 2020, I finally saw a need to be dependent on God for He alone will save me. He planted a verse in my heart, Matthew 7 verse 7 which reads, “ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you”. I was searching for security, identity and love, and could not find it until my heart prompted me to “seek Him and find Him” and I knew that was a supernatural God telling me to have faith in Him and just believe. He promised to change me. It was so simple, I could not believe it.

I began to notice how greatly I fall short of glory, that I need to deny myself daily and focus on Jesus who loves me deeply and cares so much for me to meet my needs. When I started to spend time with God and read His word, my heart softened and I loved Him more and more. I used to be ashamed and scared that God would scold me, so I rarely touched my Bible as it was “too holy for me”. The more I read though, I realized that all along God is writing love letters to me, guiding me in my faith journey and how to live life.

God revealed himself to me when I opened up my heart to let Him reach me, save me, and slowly but surely, change me. The biggest change since having God active in my life is my ability to love and forgive myself and others without barriers. Having faith and believing in Jesus only, does not automatically make me perfect. I still have many flaws, a fear of failure, tend to rely on myself without reaching out for help, and make up excuses when pride gets in the way. Even though my character development and healing process is painfully slow and I beg for it to be faster, I continue to put my faith and trust that He will guide me and renew me, and I am so thankful for everyone He has placed in my life to grow with me patiently and gently.

To know and love God is the greatest gift in life. I have no fear of death or losing control of my life. God is the one in control and will work miracles in my life. It matters to me most that my family and friends will receive this gift and be happy and blessed everyday of their lives. I have found my purpose, identity, and fulfillment, and I am secure because I know I matter, am deeply loved, wholly accepted, and cared for as a valuable, precious child of God.

There are no good works that I need to do to earn God’s grace and buy a ticket to heaven. He gave me His promises and a hand to hold onto. Jesus met me in my deep pain, comforted me, promised me He’ll never leave me nor forsake me, and I never want Him out of my life, I want to follow Him and walk with Him til forevermore.

Thank you for hearing my story and witnessing my baptism, it is a time to celebrate! May God bless you and be with you always. With love, Zoe.

我在一个基督教家庭长大，并在一间基督教学校就读 10 年。我记得在我小学五年级的时候，我第一次做认罪祷告，因为我害怕死了会下地狱。虽然我知道有上帝，也经常听圣经故事和经文，但上帝却不是我当时生命中的优先考虑。

在中 3 中4时，我在学校和家里的行为都出现了问题。直到有一天，我的老师因为我的不良见证，说我是一个“糟糕的基督徒”。她那番话让我深深地感到伤心难过，但我也却隐藏了我的痛苦。我觉得我过着双重生活，多年来也一直相信这是真的。我的安全感越来越差大，觉得我不属于学校、家庭或教会，总是感觉格格不入。

我一直告诉自己，“没有人真正了解我或关心我”。我的心受伤害，一直渴望能够被接纳、感到归属感、被爱，尽管我有什么缺点。我挣扎于低自尊、骄傲、嫉妒，并且容易撒谎以描绘出比真实情况更伟大的自己。从本质上，我为自己的身份感到羞耻，我觉得有必要隐藏真实的我。为了控制自己的生活，我追求成就、超额成就和追求关系——一切都是徒劳的，没有满足我的渴望。我还是觉得生命空虚。

即使我在学校和教会的团契中，我却心不在焉和冷淡。在一张笑脸的背后，我从未真正感受到上帝的爱。我认为自己没有讨上帝喜悦，我的一切都永远不够好。 “因为上帝不会爱我像祂爱我学校的朋友那样，所以祂不祝福我有好成绩，或给我亲密的家庭关系” 。这样的想法不断酝酿，我开始嫉妒我周围的人。上帝似乎真的只关心她们，我因此而怨恨祂。很长一段时间，我的心很沉重，带着很多的辛酸和仇恨。

我总是带着灿烂的笑容在我的双重生活中流连忘返；内心却悲伤而破碎。大多数时候，我感到难以置信的孤独，不信任任何人，把自己埋在一个黑洞里，超级绝望和迷失。然而，即使我躲避上帝，上帝仍然寻找了我。

在 2020 年底，我终于看到依靠上帝的需要，因为只有祂能拯救我。祂在我心里播下一节经文，马太福音7:7 “你们祈求，就给你们；寻找，就寻见；叩门，就给你们开门。”我一直在寻找安全感、身份和爱，直到我的心促使我去“寻找并找到上帝”。我知道那是一位超自然的上帝在告诉我，要对祂有信心并要相信依靠祂。上帝答应改变我。我简直不敢相信，因为太简单了。

我开始注意到我多么亏缺祂的荣耀。我需要每天放下自我，专注于那位深爱着我并且非常关心我，满足我的需要的耶稣。当我开始花时间与上帝相处，并读祂的话时，我的心被软化了，我越来越爱祂。我曾经很羞愧，害怕上帝会责骂我，所以我很少碰我的圣经，因为圣经对我来说“太神圣了”。但我读得越多，我就更意识到上帝一直在给我写情书，引导我的信仰之旅，带领我如何去生活。

当我敞开心扉让上帝接触我，拯救我，逐渐改变我时，祂向我彰显祂自己。自从我邀请耶稣进入我的生命，最大的改变是我能够毫无保留地爱和宽恕自己和他人。对耶稣有信心并只相信祂，并不会自动使我变得完美。我仍然有很多缺点，害怕失败，倾向于依靠自己而不求帮助，当骄傲妨碍我时，我会找借口。尽管我的品格塑造和灵命复苏过程非常缓慢，我也希望快一点，但我仍然相信耶稣会引导我并更新我。我非常感激有祂在我生命中所赐的每一个人，耐心温柔地陪我成长。

认识和爱上帝是生命中最伟大的礼物。我不害怕死亡或失去对生活的控制。上帝是掌权者，祂会在我的生命中创造奇迹。对我来说最重要的是，我盼望家人，亲戚和朋友也同样收到这份礼物，并在他们的每一天都感到喜乐和幸福。我找到了自己的人生目标、身份和满足。我有保障，因为我知道对上帝来说，我是祂宝贵的孩子并对祂很重要，被祂深深地爱着，完全被接受及被照顾。

我不需要做任何善事来赢得上帝的恩典，买一张进天国的门票。祂给了我祂的应许和一只可以抓住的手。耶稣在我深深的痛苦中寻见我，安慰我，答应我祂永远不会离开我，也不会抛弃我。我也绝对不要让我的生命失去了祂。我会跟随祂与祂同行，直到永远。

谢谢你们聆听我的见证，并来见证我的洗礼。这是值得庆祝的！愿上帝保守你们，常与你们同在。

带着爱，子欣。

Jean Chan’s Testimony 陈洁颖的见证

I write to share about my journey of faith that led to my decision to be baptised. There is much to be said, but given the space/time constraints, I have distilled and summarised my main thoughts below. If you are interested to find out more, I invite you to reach out to me (and we could chat more over tea).

I believe that Jesus is the Lord of my life, and that Jesus’ death and resurrection saves me from eternal separation from God.

How did I come to such a belief?

To me, that would be like asking – how do I transition from a state of being asleep to the state of being awake? I do not know exactly how, but I know of its occurrence. I could point to factors like – the sun was shining on my face, there was thunder, nature’s call needed to be answered, or I awoke naturally with no discernible external cause. Regardless, my point is that while in my subconscious state I cannot consciously exercise control over or choose the precise moment to rouse – it just happens and the next moment I know, I’m awake.

My belief that Jesus is my Lord and Saviour seems as such. Looking back, I can’t say I know the exact mechanism of “how” I arrived at my belief, but I know that it occurred. I could identify various factors that I think played a part in this process (and some of these are mentioned below), but I am unable to pinpoint an exact moment whereupon I transited from “unbelief” to “belief”.

II.

At around age 8 or 9, I voluntarily and consciously acknowledged, for the first time in my life, that I believe in Jesus.

It was nearing my birthday. I was staring at a calendar, thinking about my age increasing to another number. Growing older suddenly felt scary. That feeling opened a spiral of other thoughts – what does growing old mean, what is the point of life, what should I do with my life, why do I even have a life, what happens when I die? This first existential crisis led me to think – there must be more to life than the mere passing of time.

I recalled what I had heard in church about the God who gives life, the sinfulness of humans, physical and spiritual death as a consequence of sin, the horror of hell, and the hope of eternal life with God through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I didn’t want to grow old, only to die and end up in hell. The way out of this, in comparison, sounded attractive – Jesus died for my sins, all I had to do was to believe in Jesus and I could then escape punishment and go to heaven.

On the back of this recollection, and with the simple faith of a child, I then prayed to God for forgiveness of sin and for Jesus to come into my life.

What happened after that? If you had met me the day before I accepted Jesus and the day after that, you probably would not have noticed any visible difference. Internally, I lived with the hope of eternal life. Yet in my day-to-day living, frankly, not much changed. It was as though a seed had been sown but roots or shoots barely developed.

III.

It was a few years later that I began to consider (and question) more seriously what this belief in Jesus meant, and to engage with people around me in their worldviews.

For a number of years, particularly during my teenage years, I experienced crises of faith that came wave upon wave. I struggled to accept many things. For example: I doubted the existence of God. I questioned the authority and accuracy of the Bible. I pondered about whether any other religion could offer a way to heaven or provide more satisfactory answers to life’s big questions. I found Christianity’s claims of exclusivity and absolute truth to be rather unpalatable. I could not reconcile why an omniscient and omnipotent God, who is full of love, would create humans (with the foreknowledge that their rebellion, sin, death, and the need for saving would ensue) and allow suffering. I had strong objections to Christians’ views on many issues of our time.

It got to a point when, for a time, I dared not call myself a “Christian” because I was genuinely unsure as to the truth of that claim.

How does a finite creature (like the stubborn, sceptical person that I am) come to know and experience an infinite God? Perhaps only through such ways and to such extent that the infinite God has chosen to reveal Himself to the finite creature.

Looking back, I see how God, in His love and mercy, has never stopped pursuing me and working through the people and circumstances around me to point me back to Him. Throughout my life, God has been speaking to me and helping me get to know Him through various ways. Some of these include: (1) placing me in a family that introduced me to the Bible from an early age and through whose lives demonstrate what loving God and loving others looks like; (2) blessing me with close friends with whom I can have honest conversations about life, love, morality, mortality, purpose, etc; (3) providing me with mentors and teachers along the way who give wise and patient counsel; (4) the company of books (and other resources); and (5) helping me to grow in my understanding of God and the Bible, and renewing my conviction to believe in and serve God, through Christian friends in school, Sunday school lessons, fellowship groups in church and during my time serving in Singapore Youth For Christ.

So, by the grace of God, my mind and heart has grown in conviction and in faith – this time, a faith rooted in a deeper understanding of who God is and what God has been doing. I acknowledged the truth of the Bible, the spiritual condition of my soul, the saving work of Jesus, and that God is God and I am not. The knowledge in my mind birthed a conviction within my heart to love, obey and serve the God who created me. It is with this faith that I have experienced enduring peace, joy, and fulfilment in life, of a nature that I cannot find in anything or anyone else.

That is not to say that all my questions and doubts have been wholly answered or resolved. Till today, there are many areas which I struggle with. Notwithstanding that I do not have all the answers to questions I seek, my faith in the God revealed in the Bible, whom I have come to know and whose presence I’ve experienced in my life, remains. (That said, I do not consider that to have faith in God requires a dispensation of or artificial suspension of reason or rationality. Rather, I consider that (1) reason and rationality point towards an infinite being (i.e. God, who is omniscient) as the ultimate source of wisdom and truth; and (2) a finite creature who possesses fallible and imperfect knowledge (i.e. myself) cannot live without faith.)

IV.

The journey of faith has been, is, and will be fraught with challenges. I know that my decision to believe in Jesus is made against the backdrop of an existing spiritual realm where Satan, the great deceiver, prowls.

Indeed, since placing my faith in Jesus, I still fail in many ways and struggle with many sins. I often live as though and wish that I am the lord of my life, not Jesus. I often fail to extend love and forgiveness to others, despite myself receiving love and forgiveness from God through no merit of my own. My priorities and desires are often out of self-gratification, rather than to fulfil God’s priorities and desires. My wilful and persistent sinning shows the extent of my depravity (and even more, the need for God’s grace and forgiveness through Jesus). Furthermore, the more I see how holy, just, loving, patient and merciful God is, the more I see how deficient I am. I am very much still a “work-in-progress”. I do not expect these struggles to abate; some may remain lifelong struggles.

In spite of this, I am comforted that my journey of faith and growth towards becoming more Christ-like will not be in solitude or helplessness, as there would be: (1) the in-dwelling of God’s Holy Spirit in me who will comfort, teach, chide and empower; (2) the fellowship of brothers and sisters in Christ (in Ang Mo Kio Gospel Hall and beyond) who would encourage and rebuke as needed; and (3) the collective wisdom of the many who have come before and whose stories, reflections, arguments and lessons of faith continue to teach and inspire.

My baptism is a sign of my commitment to follow Jesus come what may, with no turning back.

Please would you pray that God would make me useful for His purposes and guard my soul until the day I face my Maker with joy and trembling.

我愿与您分享我终于决定受洗的信心之旅。有很多可以分享的，但基于空间/时间上的限制，我在下面只是提取并总结了我的主要想法。如果您有兴趣了解更多，我诚邀您与我联系（我们可以一面喝茶一面分享）。

（一）

我相信耶稣是我生命的主，耶稣的死和复活拯救了我，使我免于永远与神隔离。

我是怎么会有这样的信念的呢？

对我来说，这就像在问——我是如何从睡着的状态过渡到清醒的状态的？我不知道确实是怎么一回事，但我知道它的发生。我可以指出某些的因素——比如，阳光照耀在我的脸上、有打雷的声音、生理的自然需要、又或者我在没有明显的外在搅扰下，自然醒了过来。无论如何，我要说的是，当我在潜意识状态下，我不能有意识地控制或选择醒来的精确时刻——它就是发生了，而下一刻，我就知道我已经醒过来了。

我相信耶稣是我的主和救主的过程，似乎就是这样。回想起来，我不能说我知道我“如何”达致我的信念，但我知道它发生了。我可以指出我认为在这个过程中发挥作用的各种因素（其中一些会在下面提出），但我却无法精确地指出我从“不信”过渡到“信”的那一刻。

（二）

我八、九岁左右时，是我第一次自愿且有意识地承认我相信耶稣。

当时，我的生日快到了。我盯着日历，想着我的年龄又增加了一年。想到变老，我突然感到害怕。而随着那个感觉而来的，是接二连三的其他许多想法——变老意味着什么、生命的意义是什么、我应该用我的生命做些什么、实际上，为什么有这个生命、我死后又如何呢？这第一次的生存危机使我开始思考——生命的意义一定不会只是时间的流逝而已。

我想起在教会里听到的——那位赐予生命的神、人类的罪恶、因罪而带来的肉体和属灵的死亡的后果、地狱的恐怖、以及藉着耶稣基督的死亡和复活而与神同在的永生的盼望。我不想只因为老了，就得死，且还落入地狱。相比之下，摆脱这种情况的方法听起来很有吸引力——耶稣为我的罪而死，我需要做的就是相信耶稣，然后我就可以逃脱惩罚并进入天堂。

基于这些回忆，带着孩子般的单纯信心，我向神祷告、认罪，祈求祂的赦免，并求耶稣进入我的生命。

然后怎样呢？如果你在我接受耶稣的前一天及之后的那一天遇见我的话，你很可能不会注意到什么明显的差异。在我心里，我有了永生的盼望。但在我日常的生活中，老实说，我并没有太大的转变。就好像播下了一颗种子，但根或芽却几乎没有茁长。

（三）

好几年后，我才开始更认真地思考并质疑我信耶稣真正意味着什么，也开始与我周围的人及他们的世界观有更多的接触。

有好几年，特别是在我的青少年时期，我经历了一波又一波的信心危机。我难以接受许多事情。例如：我怀疑神的存在。我质疑圣经的权威性和准确性。我思索是否有任何其他宗教可以提供通往天堂的道路，或者为生活中的重大问题提供更令人满意的答案。我对基督教的排他性和绝对真理的主张感到不快。我无法理解为什么一个无所不知、无所不能、充满爱的神会创造人类（而预先知道他们的悖逆、罪恶、死亡及拯救的需要将随之而来）并允许苦难。我强烈反对基督教对我们这个时代许多问题的看法。

有一段时间，我不敢称自己为“基督徒”，因为我真的不确定称自己为“基督徒”的真实性。

一个有限的受造物（就像我这样固执、且常存怀疑的人）如何认识并体验一位无限的神？也许，只有通过无限的神选择向有限的受造物启示祂自己的那些方式和程度。

回想起来，我看到神在祂的爱和怜悯中，从未停止追寻我，并通过我周围的人和处境将我带回祂的身边。在我的一生中，神一直在对我说话，并帮助我以各种方式认识祂。这包括了：（一）让我生长在一个从小就让我接触到圣经的家庭，并通过家人的生活展示了爱神与爱他人的榜样；（二）让我有好朋友，能一起诚实地谈论生活、爱、道德、死亡、人生目的等问题;（三）让我有导师们给予明智与耐心的忠告;（四）书本（和其他资源）的陪伴;（五）通过学校里的基督徒朋友、主日学课程、教会的团契小组以及我在新加坡青年归主协会服事期间遇到的人，使我对神和圣经的理解不断增长，并更新我对信仰和服事神的信念。

于是，靠着神的恩典，我的思想和心灵在信念和信心中有所成长——这一次，这信心扎根于对神以及神的作为更深刻的理解。我承认圣经的真理，承认我灵魂的属灵状况，承认耶稣的救赎，也承认神是神而我不是。我脑海中的知识就在我心中产生要爱、顺服及服事创造我的神的信念。因着这样的信心，我在生活/生命中体验到一种持久的平安、喜乐和满足，这种本质是我在其他事物或其他人身上都找不到的。

这并不是说我的所有问题和疑虑都已完全得到回答或解决。直到今天，我还面对许多方面的挣扎。尽管我现在没有全部的答案，但我对圣经中所启示的神的信心仍然存在，我已经认识了祂，也在生活中经历过祂的同在。（话虽如此，我并不认为对神要有信心，就必须免除或暂时中止理智与理性。相反的，我认为：（一）理智与理性指向一位无限的存有（即：无所不知的神）乃是智慧与真理的终极源头；（二）一个有限的受造物，以其容易出错及不完美的知识（即：我自己）无法无信心而活。）

（四）

我的信心旅程在过去、现在和将来都充满挑战。我知道我是在撒旦这个欺骗者四处徘徊的即存的灵界里，作出了相信耶稣的决定。

事实上，自从我相信耶稣以来，我仍然在很多方面有所不足，也与许多罪挣扎。我经常活得好像，并希望，我是自己生命的主，而不是耶稣。尽管我自己已经白白得到神的爱和赦免，我却经常无法以爱和宽恕对待别人。我的优先顺序和欲望往往是出于自我满足，而不是出于要满足神的优先顺序和想望。我任性并持续地犯罪违背神，显示了我堕落的程度（也更显示了我需要神的恩典与藉着耶稣所带来的饶恕）。此外，我越是了解神是多么的圣洁、公义、慈爱、忍耐和怜悯，我就越看到自己有多么的不足。我是一个“仍在进行中的工作“。我不指望这些挣扎会逐渐减少；相反的，有些可能会是终生的挣扎。

尽管如此，我感到安慰的是，我的信心之旅与朝向越像基督的成长之路不会是孤独或无助的，因为我拥有：（一）圣灵居住在我里面，祂会赐下安慰，会教导我，会谴责我，也会赋予力量; （二）基督里弟兄姐妹（在宏茂桥福音堂及其他地方）的团契、鼓励与适时的责备;（三）许多先贤们所汇集的智慧，他们的故事、反思、论辩及信心的功课会继续教导和启发我。

我的洗礼象征的是我跟随耶稣的决心，无论发生什么，绝不回头。

请您为我祷告，求神使我按祂的旨意为祂所用，并守护我的灵魂，直到我带着喜乐与战兢，与我的造物主面对面的那一天。

Jensen Chan’s Testimony 陈劼圣的见证

Early beginnings

From young, I was brought up in a Christian household, attended this church all my life, and attended a mission school throughout all 12 years of my grade school life. Having been exposed to Christianity in almost every area of my life, I learned about the Bible and knew many Bible stories. But being an innocent child, I didn’t think much about it, and I never really had a relationship with God.

It was when I was around 13-14 years old, that I really started examining my faith, questioning if I really believed in my heart, all that I knew about God and the Bible. I realised that most of my “faith” was just head-knowledge, akin to knowing characters or storylines in movies and fictional books. Under the guidance of the 导师s and older members of Timothy Fellowship (TF), I began to read the Bible myself, and pray to God. I started to experience a relationship with God, in which God revealed more of His nature and the truth of the gospel to me, as I grew to depend on Him more and more.

During these teenage years, there were times where God’s love felt especially real to me. When I confessed my sins to Him, I was reassured that my sins were forgiven, and that I had hope of eternal life, and a continuing relationship with God. It was also during this period, when I became more active in serving in church, through taking on more roles in TF and leading worship in church. My faith and relationship with God continued to grow, and I found myself praying more naturally to God throughout the day, and becoming more sensitive to His guiding, in terms of showing me ways in which I should grow.

Struggles

However, things turned for the worse when I was about 17 years old, in JC2. Due to academic stress from the many deadlines piling up, failings in my interactions with the people around me, lacking in sleep, I stopped doing quiet time daily, and my relationship with God grew distant. After a few weeks, it felt like God was so far away, and my prayers weren’t being answered. I failed to meet many of my school deadlines, pushed away some of the friends who cared for me, and I stopped trying to pray or seek God. On top of it all, I beat myself up (figuratively) over all the poor choices I made, which I thought brought me to this point, and kept me stuck in this predicament. I also didn’t feel comfortable with sharing most of these struggles with anyone in church.

In order to cope with the overwhelming stress from all these areas of my life, I chose to put off thinking about or trying to deal with any of these issues. It was too much for me to think about, and I was already blaming myself for these problems, so I ignored them and continued trudging on with trying to keep up with school. This resulted in me practically abandoning my relationship with God and indulging in sinful habits, choosing not to care about God or seeking Him in my daily life. It was only when I was forced to do any form of Christian ministry, such as leading worship or TF programmes, that I reluctantly spent time thinking about God or praying for help.

This cycle of ignoring God most of the time, yet being obliged to serve in church ministry, while refusing to share any of my struggles with anyone, persisted for about 3 years, through my time in National Service, and up until I entered university. Throughout this time, I continued to not seek God, and indulge in my sinful and carefree life, since God’s standards for my life didn’t matter to me anymore. But at the same time, even with the academic stress over and done with, I continued blaming myself for all the poor choices I made in JC2, beating myself up over it. This reached a point where I questioned if I was really a Christian who had been saved. After all, if we need to believe in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour, and repent of our sins, in order to be saved, then was I really saved? I definitely did not live as if Jesus was my Lord, and I wasn’t repenting of any of my sins, even if I was intellectually convinced and believed that God existed, and the Bible was true.

The road to recovery

In August 2019, I started university. I joined the NUS Chinese Varsity Christian Fellowship (CVCF), but looking back on it now, I don’t really know why I did. After all, if my relationship with God was this bad for such a long time, even as I continued attending church, what reason was there for me to spend even more time being exposed to God’s word in a Christian community? I can only surmise that, perhaps, deep down I had some hope that I would find spiritual help through this community, and most definitely, that it was God’s guidance and will that I should end up in this student ministry.

Also, within the first few weeks of school, I was randomly approached by two seniors from NUS Navigators, who were out and about doing campus evangelism. Even though I said that I was a Christian, they still shared the gospel to me anyway, using one of the common gospel tools. When they got to the end, and asked me if I had faith and believed that I was saved, I told them honestly: “So if I believe, but I don’t repent of my sins, then how?”

They then invited me to meet with them weekly, to read the Bible together and start re-exploring my faith again. I also attended CVCF small group Bible studies during my first semester of university. Through these opportunities to start read God’s Word for myself again, with the fellowship of older Christian brothers and sisters, I felt God speaking to me again directly through the Bible. I remember this verse, in particular, stood out to me:

“But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God,” (John 1:12)

It was these seniors from Navigators and CVCF, whom were the first people I shared some of the abovementioned struggles and issues with. I think that this was a critical factor which helped me to turn back to God, to come to His throne of grace to receive forgiveness, and to restart this relationship with Him. I also started doing quiet time again daily and prayed again.

By the end of 2019, through the above progress that was made in my relationship with God, I finally gained the courage to share all of these struggles with the TF 导师, Pastor Chang Loong. I shared all of the issues and things I was experiencing from the beginning, and asked if I could take a break from serving in church, while I re-explored and worked on my relationship with God again.

Being guided by Jacky, as well as growing with a group of companions in CVCF, I grew in my relationship with God. After a few months, I was able to slowly start serving in church and CVCF ministries again. I experienced real peace and healing from being able to confess my past struggles and sins to others. This was contrary to what I had feared so greatly previously, where I had thought that I would be judged and that my reputation in this church would be over. Instead, what I received was grace, sympathy and understanding, and forgiveness from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. And I know that God was making clear to me, His unconditional and unchanging love for me, through these people in my life.

God is love

Now, looking back on those three years of turning away from God, I know that God’s love never once left me. He kept pursuing me until I finally turned back to Him. Like that of the prodigal son, the Father was continually waiting for this wasteful and rebellious son to come back, and He welcomed me with open arms.

In these two and a half years since I really started taking my faith seriously again, I cannot say that it has been “happily ever after”. The reality is, I still struggle with sin, I still struggle with blaming myself over things that I’ve done in the past or feeling guilty for mistakes I’ve made. But to only focus on these aspects would be a gross mischaracterisation of my journey to faith, and my experiences as a born-again Christian. I would not be giving God His glory due.

Indeed, I have experienced God’s grace and forgiveness that covers all my shortcomings and sins, but I have also seen how God has changed and transformed me steadily over time, and continues to do so today. I have grown to become more open in communicating with others, sharing my life with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, learning to bear one another’s burdens. Instead of being so caught up with my own struggles, I am learning to focus on God instead, to see what He is doing in my life and in the world around me, and seeing how God has called me to live a life of purpose, in gratitude to Him for His grace.

May all glory and honour be to God, who has extended His grace to a sinner such as me, and that I can enjoy an abundant and fruitful life, through His Son, my Lord Jesus Christ.

年轻时的开始

从小，我在一个基督徒家庭长大，一生都在这个教堂参加聚会，在我上学生活的整12年里都上一间基督教的学校。我在生活的各个方面都有接触基督教，让我能够认识圣经，学了许多圣经的故事。但身为一个天真的孩子，我并没有想太多，从来没有真正与上帝建立过关系。

在我13-14岁的时候，我才真正开始审视自己的信仰，问自己，我是否真的心理相信我对上帝和圣经知道的一切。我才意识到我的“信心”只是头脑上的知识，类似于了解电影和故事书中的人物或故事情节。在提摩太团契的导师和长辈们的指引下，我开始自己读经，向神祷告。我就开始经历自己与上帝的关系，越来越依靠他，上帝也向我显示更多关于祂的本性和福音的真理。

在这青少年时期，有一些特别让我真实感受到上帝的爱的时候。当我向祂认罪时，我被提醒，我的罪已被赦免，我有永生的盼望，并持有与上帝的关系。也是在这个时期，我在教会事奉得更多，在提摩太团契担任更多事奉得岗位，并在教会做领唱。我的信心就继续成长，与神的关系也继续被建立，我也发现自己在日常生活中更自然地祷告，更加敏感于祂的引导，神也向我显示我应该成长的方面。

挣扎

然而，我在高二那一年，大概17岁时，情况变糟了。由于许多功课和作业带来的学业压力、我与身边的人相处时的失败、睡眠不足，我就停止了每天做灵修的习惯，我与神的关系就越来越疏远。过了几个星期，感觉上帝很遥远，觉得好像神没有听我的祷告。我无法准时提交很多功课与作业，推开了一些关心我的朋友，我不再尝试祷告或寻求上帝。再加上，我非常自责，为自己做出的所有不好的选择而后悔和感到遗憾，觉得时我做的选择使我走到了这一步，让我陷入了这个困境。我也不愿意与教会的任何人分享大部分我面对的这些挣扎与问题。

为了让我虽然面对在这些方面的巨大压力还能撑得住，我就选择先不要想这些问题，不尝试处理问题。我已经在为这些问题责备自己，没有精神和能力继续想下去。我就选择无视我的问题，继续用尽我的能力确保我在学业还能跟得上。这就导致我放弃了与上帝的关系，沉迷于罪恶的习惯，选择无视上帝，不在日常生活中寻求祂。只有当我需要事奉时，例如带领敬拜或筹备团契得活动时，我才不情愿地花时间思考圣经，祈求上帝得帮助。

我忽视上帝，但不得不继续在教会事奉，同时不愿意与任何人分享我的挣扎，这个恶性循环持续了大约3年，从我在服兵役期间一直持续，直到我进入大学。这个期间，我一直不寻求神，沉迷于罪恶和不管上帝的生活，因为神对我的生活得准则对我来说已经不重要了。但与此同时，即使学业的压力已过去了，我仍然为着我在高二那一年做出的所有不好的选择去责备自己，感到自责。到了一个地步，我甚至怀疑我是否真的是个得救的基督徒。毕竟我们需要相信耶稣基督是我们的救主，并且认罪悔改才能得救，那我真的得救了吗？即使我在理智上确信上帝存在，并且相信圣经是真实的，我的生活中却没有或着像耶稣是我的主那样，我也没有为我罪悔改。

复苏之路

2019年8月，我开始上大学。我加入了国大基督徒学生福音团契，但现在回想起来，我真的不知道我为什么参加校园团契。既然我继续去教会时我与神的关系持续疏远了那么久，有什么理由让我选择花更多的时间在基督徒群体中更多接触神的话？我只能猜测，也许我内心深处有一点点希望，我可以通过这个群体找到灵命的帮助，而最肯定的是，这一切是上帝的旨意和安排。

此外，在上大学开始的几周内，我接触到两位来自国大Navigators的前辈，他们正在做校园布道。即使我跟他们说我是基督徒，他们仍然向我分享福音，用一个福音工具。说完了，他们就问我是否有信心，相信我得救了。我诚实地回答他们：“如果我相信了，但不悔改，那怎么办？”

他们就邀请我每周与他们一起阅读圣经，重新开始探索信仰。在大学的第一学期，我也参加了国大团契的小组查经。通过这些重新开始自己阅读圣经的机会，与基督徒前辈的团契里，我感到上帝再次通过圣经直接向我说话。我记得这节经文对我来说特别突出：

“凡接受他的，就是信他名的人，他就赐给他们权利，成为神的儿女。”

（约翰福音1:12）

正是这些来自Navigators和国大团契的前辈，是我分享上述的挣扎和问题的首几位。我想，这是一个关键因素，帮助我回到上帝身边，来到祂的施恩宝座前接受祂的饶恕，并重新开始与祂的关系。我也重新开始每天做灵修，开始祷告。

到了2019年底，有了上述的与神的关系上的进步，我终于鼓起勇气与提摩太团契的导师，振隆传道，分享所有这些挣扎。我分享了我从一开始到当时面对的问题和事情，并问我是否可以暂时停止在教会的事奉，用接下来的时间去重新探索我与上帝的关系。

在杰奇弟兄的带领下，以及与国大团契的一群弟兄姐妹一起在主里成长，我与上帝的关系也被建立了。几个月后，我又渐渐开始在教会和国大团契事奉。能够向其他弟兄姐妹承认我过去的挣扎和罪，我领受了真正的平安和医治。这与我之前预料的结局相反，我当时以为我会受到教会弟兄姐妹的评判，我在这个教会的名声会被毁掉。相反，我受的是弟兄姐妹的恩典、同情、理解和宽恕。而且，我知道上帝通过我这些人向我表明了祂对我无条件和永不改变的爱。

神是爱

现在回首我远离神的这三年，我知道神的爱从未离开过我。祂一直追随着我，直到我终于选择回转向他。我就像浪子一样，父亲一直等待这个浪费和叛逆的儿子回来，祂张开双手迎接了我。

自从我真正重新开始认真对待信仰以来的这两年半里，我不能说它是“从此以后快乐地生活着”。现实是，我仍然有一些与罪的挣扎，我还为我过去所做的事情责备自己或为自己所犯的错而感到内疚。但如果我只关注这些方面，就是不准确地描述我的信仰之旅，以及我作为一个重生的基督徒的经历。我也就是不把上帝应得的荣耀归给祂。

我的确经历了上帝的恩典和赦免，遮盖了我所有的缺点和罪过，但我也见证了上帝如何不断渐渐地改变我，一直持续到今天。我变得更加开放于与他人交流，与弟兄姐妹分享我的生命，学习担彼此的重担。与其只管自己的挣扎，我正在学习注目于上帝，看祂在我的生活和我的周围里做的，看见上帝如何呼召我过有意义的生活，为了感谢祂对我的恩典。

愿一切荣耀和尊荣都归于上帝，祂将祂的恩典赐给像我这样的罪人，并且让我可以通过祂的儿子，我的主耶稣基督，享受丰盛的生命。